A Message From My Dead Father

My father died over 30 years ago. I was young, in my late twenties. Today he spoke to me from his grave. 

About 40 years ago, he gave me a directive that existed, until today, as fuel for my shame. His words, spoken upon receiving my grades from my freshman spring term of college were, “Get off the damn phone and get to work!” His tone was harsh and direct. I was actually on the phone at the time. I did get off, quickly, and I promptly headed down the hall and out the front door. At least that’s how I remember it. 

What I heard over 40 years ago was, “Chris, I am pissed and disappointed. This is pathetic. You should be ashamed. This is not good enough. You’re not good enough. You’re being a “preppy”. You need to get your shit together.” Let me be fair, my grades were shit, so being upset was a valid dad response.

Today, I found new meaning in his words. Today, I heard them as compassionate advice from my dad. Rather than biting criticism and a spotlight on my terrible performance in college, I can shift the meaning to represent loving kindness (it’s a bit of a stretch given Dad’s tone and volume, but it’s working for me right now). To my dad’s credit, he was compassionate when he regulated his emotions, and we did sit with the yellow pad of paper and have the “Big Talk” about where I wanted to go with my life, what sort of pursuits made me happy, and what path would make sense. Sadly, what I know now is I made a big cultural hustle and just went back to college - I must have thought this seemed safe and socially acceptable (something I desperately needed at the time). The rest is history, as they say, but it was not pretty. College was a floundering 4 years for me. I basically dragged myself across the finish line. Tattered and emotionally depleted, I accepted the diploma. 3rd in my class. 3rd from the bottom.

Back to today and the words from dad’s grave:

“Get off the phone” = stop choosing distraction, avoidance, and numbing to sidestep the painful emotions. Stop making fear-avoidance based decisions in your life. Stop soothing the hurt you feel that you need to lean into and deal with. Stop being a coward and start having the courage to do the hard shit that will really make a difference in your life. Start living a life that matters, built upon doing what is authentically meaningful.

“Get to work” = take action and start DOING, start LIVING with agency and by pursuing deliberate intentions to live a purposeful life. Step into a life directed by your authentic self and stop ducking for cover and staying safe and engaging in some cultural hustle - doing “acceptable things” that are not connected to your true Self’s purpose.

What Dad was really saying was, “Chris, I love you.” [Insert: Big dad hug] “You’re okay, Chris. I’ve got you. Let’s figure this out together. You have your whole life ahead of you. How can you move in ways that support what you truly want? How can you feel the safety you need in order to take those scary steps toward a life of purpose and meaning?”

And these remain the questions I am working to answer today. 

How can I move in ways that support what I truly want?

How can I feel the safety I need in order to take those scary steps toward a life of purpose and meaning?

Maybe you have these questions, too.

VISION

A vision statement guides your objectives and shapes how you build action plans both small and grand. Is a vision statement a lighthouse? No. Lighthouses signal navigation hazards and provide geographical orientation for travelers, super helpful to keep you from crashing into the rocks. A vision statement is more of a compass bearing. Go this way. This is the heading you chose. Stay on this course.

What is out there? I look out at the Atlantic Ocean, my eyes can see as far as they can see. Next stop, Pontevedra, Spain? My immediate point of view reports there is not much to see. Or is there? In the foreground, dune grass and fencing reflect shades of green and brown. These minuscule human attempts at holding off the erosional powers of nature stand against wind and waves that don’t quit. Megaliters of water continually roll and pound against the beach, lifting, shifting, grinding, pure hydrology at work without a care in the world. Look closer to see the abundance this view offers. The gliding herring gull, the swells, the distant fishing boat chugging out of the bay, a lighthouse, and bits of rocky masses protruding above the surface provide features within the frame of view. The eyes catch the light: blue sky, white altocumulus clouds, the mysterious shades of the sea.

Vision - where you see yourself going. When your vision is shaped by your personal values, by what matters most to you, you find the compass direction leading you on the right path. Keep a watch on the weather and revisit your values, objectives, and action plans often. Do not engage autopilot and hope to end up where you want to go.

The Imperfect Human

My dad’s 100th birthday has come and gone. He’s been physically gone for over 30 years. His legacy is what he left in me that remains alive. His passion for stories, laughter, family, and history influences how I want to participate in this life. He was a good human.

None of us is perfect. All of us struggle to find our way. Part of that human struggle is to be knocked down on our face. Getting up and carrying on matters more than how hard we fall. Staying true to our personal vision and holding fast to our dreams, living a life of significance by adding value to the lives of others, is living a full and meaningful life. Don’t ever apologize for getting after living a meaningful life and don’t wait for the world to give you permission. If you do, you’ll never take that first baby step.